The Only Life I Could Save by Katherine Ketcham

Author:Katherine Ketcham
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Sounds True

Get a grip, Kathy. Pull yourself together. Stop whimpering. Get strong. Be brave. I can feel my hands reaching down, pulling myself up, out of the dark place, onto a different path. Get moving. Do something.

I send emails. I write letters. I make phone calls. I turn to the experts I know, people I have worked with over the years, professionals whose advice I trust completely. My friends Jeff and Debra Jay, both highly respected clinical interventionists, respond to my email within hours. I ask if I should make an appointment with a psychiatrist. They advise that I should only do so if the psychiatrist is extremely experienced in addiction, meaning he or she has had a close relationship with a treatment facility. I agree with them—a psychiatrist or psychotherapist who doesn’t have experience with addiction is likely to focus solely on Ben’s irritability, anger, impulsivity, anxiety, and depression and arrive at a psychiatric diagnosis that calls for antidepressants or antipsychotics. Over the years, Ben’s doctors prescribed three different kinds of antidepressants. But after trying each one for a few weeks, he would refuse to take them, insisting they made him feel even worse, agitated, irritable, out of control, “crazy.” I wonder now, after hours and days and weeks of research on the Internet, if Ben’s reaction to the antidepressants might have been a red flag signaling that he might have a mild form of bipolar disorder. Research report after research report shows that antidepressants can trigger or intensify both manic and depressive symptoms, even leading to psychosis and suicidal ideation.

The problem is that we can’t get an accurate diagnosis because the drugs Ben is using—marijuana, alcohol, nicotine, and, I suspect, others as well—are exacerbating or even perhaps causing whatever mental health problems he might have. The most skilled psychiatrist in the world can’t accurately diagnose a mental health problem when a brain is poisoned by drugs. It is important to eliminate the drugs, give the brain time to clear (weeks, perhaps months), and then go to an addiction medicine specialist/psychiatrist for a diagnosis.

Jeff Jay emails with suggestions of several treatment centers he respects—Wilderness Treatment Center in Marion, Montana, is at the top of his list. The minute I get Jeff’s email, I give him a call. We talk for a long time as I sit on our front steps, watching the sunset. I take a roll of toilet paper out with me because as hard as I try, as much as I bite my lip and take deep breaths, I can’t stop crying.

“You can only support Ben in his recovery, not in his addiction.” Jeff’s voice is low and calm, soothing. “And it’s his addiction that is calling the shots now. He thinks he can control it, but it’s controlling him.”

“I know.” I wad up a bunch of toilet paper and wipe the tears off my face.

“You need to let go.”

“Let go?” How many times had I said those words, written those words? But in this context, on the receiving end of the advice, I can’t make sense of them.

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